"I remember Halloween..."

So it's Halloween, as I was reminded by all of the costumes my students wore to school today and the even more hyper than a typical Friday behavior that my classes displayed today. I don't really like Halloween but it has nothing to do with the devil. In fact, I've never fully understood the Christian's need to reject the holiday, yet attempt to offer a "safer" and "holier" alternative, much like christian rock music or christian movies. My distaste for Halloween stems from an incident that I was involved with my freshman year of high school.

I was an awkward kid with limited athletic ability, asthma, and no real discernible expertise so I struggled to find a place to fit within the rigid social structure that is high school. So October was approaching and this sophomore girl who I knew from church, Natalie Reeder, turned sixteen in late October and decided to throw a big party to celebrate the milestone. Her parents were very well to do and so this was not going to be your normal party; in fact, they had hired one of the Kiss FM DJ's to work the party. For some reason that I never fully understood, Natalie invited me to the party and informed me that it was a costume party, since her birthday fell close to Halloween. Needless to say, I was stoked as this was not only my first high school party, but I was a freshman invited to a sophomore party. This was 1994, a few years before George Lucas re-released the original Star Wars trilogy and there were not many people who were still big fans of the franchise; however, I was a huge Star Wars fan with a six foot tall cardboard cut out of Darth Vader in my room and numerous posters and t-shirts that related to the movies. Just a few years before, my best friend Paul and I spent the summer training to be Jedi knights by blindfolding each other and trying to block tennis balls with wiffle ball bats. I wanted to make an impression at this party, so I found a full Darth Vader costume to wear, just sure that all the older girls would fall for me, because really, who can resist the power of the dark side? So I wore this costume, complete with the mask, chest piece and a cape.

My mother had to drive me to the Reeder's house in a gated community and she dropped me off with my lightsaber in hand. As I was escorted into the backyard by Natalie's mother, I started to think my plan might have backfired because it didn't appear that anyone else was wearing a costume, or if they did, they all decided to dress like cool high school kids. My nightmare was confirmed when I reached the backyard and heard laughter coming from all around because, to my dismay, I was the only one in full costume. Natalie came up and thanked me for coming and she said she liked my costume, but I could tell that she was suppressing her laughs. I didn't have the balls to confront her about the misinformation so I stuttered out some birthday greeting and handed her the gift I bought and then went back inside to call my mother. She wasn't even home yet but I left a message for her to come get me and then I went and sat out front on the curb to wait, completely humiliated. I was already self-conscience, as I'm sure all adolescents are, and this only added to my low self-esteem.

Here I am, 16 years later and this is incident is still what I think about, every October as Halloween approaches. Humiliation sticks with a person, much longer than praise does it seems. Looking back, I wish I would have had the confidence to just get out on the dance floor and be confident in myself and my super rad Darth Vader costume, but that wasn't me at 14. In a lot of ways, that's still not me at 30. We are suppose to love our neighbors as ourselves, but I often find it harder to love myself than to love my neighbor or even my enemy. Learning to love is difficult, but then again, I don't think it's suppose to be easy. I don't have the answers and I don't know how to get over my insecurities but I do know that finding a community that loves and supports me with all the messed up shit I carry around helps. And I know that everyone carries insecurities with them, no matter how bad ass they might appear to be. Hell, I bet even Darth Vader felt insecure at night as he laid in bed alone, at least I like to think he did. So I guess this Halloween, we should remember to encourage those we love and remind them that we love them just they way they are, because we are all struggling here.