Results of the building committee

We put together a building committee recently to look at how we could maybe emulate what is "successful" in the churches around us. The committee brought forth five recommendations.

1. Steeples. All cool churches have a steeple. It says, "Hey! Are you lost? Well look for our steeple sticking up in the air and come on over. We probably aren't open, but once you get here, you'll see the times that we are open and you can come back then." So in light of this, the suggestion has been put forward that we should construct steeples on top of our houses. The city may find a zoning problem with this. But if so, we can then attempt to sue the city for religious discrimination or something provocative like that.

Other alternatives: "Prayer tower" and "prayer closet"

2. Stage. Living rooms don't do much to let you know who's in charge. So the committee recommends building a movable platform that can be moved to each meeting location. Stages allow the passive listeners know that it's their time to be quiet. If you want to talk, then take the stage. For additional emphasis, it would be beneficial if chairs could be set on the stage so as to provide an elevated place for the leaders at all times. This speaks metaphorically and literally to the leader's place in the church.

Other alternative: If not enough room for a stage, a throne will suffice.

3. Lights. Light racks. Light bars. Smart lights. Stage lighting. It's essential. Lasers are optional but preferred. We all learned that Jesus doesn't want us to hide our light under a bushel. We would be disobeying if we didn't invest in a good lighting system. There's enough darkness in the world, the church is here to light it up at any cost.

Other alternatives: Start our own lighting company and call it "Light of the World."

4. Baptistry. We have a good contingent of former Church of Christ folk and it would appear not having a good place to dunk people has led to a lack of evangelistic zeal. The committee recommends beginning construction on a pool. I recommend we extend the building to also include a hot tub at my place. (Preferably one that doubles as a time machine.) Regular baptistries are so outdated. Now, we're into multifunction. Therefore it would be a wise use of money to build the chlorinated cement ponds. This will increase our home values as well as provided a place to wash the sins off. (For us of the baptist tradition, we say this in the most metaphorical sense possible.)

Other alternatives: Steam sauna.

5. Multi-site. We could quickly triple the number of campuses (i.e. houses) in our community if we simply stayed home and broadcast our time together via the internet. Everyone's doing it so why don't we? No need to get out of bed. No need to bathe. Just turn on your webcam and we can do everything right there: talk about our week, read scripture, and pray without ever having to put pants on. You can shop for clothes, look at pornography, and engage in political debate all while simultaneously doing church! It's also eco-friendly as we save gas money. Plus we will then have the cool badge of claiming to be a multi-site church. Everyone wins.

Other alternatives: Broadcast services via chat roulette.